Have you ever experienced a hard thing in this life? A burden that seemed so heavy that you began pleading with God to let it end? This life, I mean.
Honestly, I have always had a hard time longing for Heaven. It sounds so "unspiritual" to admit, but I've always felt so afraid of the "unknown" experience of leaving this body, world, life behind to go on to a Heaven I've never seen. I become emotional when I think of parting from my family and friends. The things that my mind cannot grasp, oftentimes scare me.
However, in December of 2010, my fear of leaving this world ended. Suddenly, I longed for relief from this burdensome life.
I have intended to record what the Lord did in my life that December. However, procrastination prevented my writing until now.
I have told some friends and family about that December and the few months following, but I know as time goes on, I will forget unless I make a point to write about what happened.
We had been under pretty intense financial strain for a while and it was supposed to be the "jolly" holiday season, but we weren't seeing much by way of a "Christmas" for the kids. I was expecting our fifth child, Andrew. He was due around the end of the month and I was very ready to be done with the pregnancy! : / My last three pregnancies have ended with me struggling with depression. I am not a depressed person, but my hormones go crazy at the end of pregnancy and I really have a hard time.
Well, Andrew finally came on Sunday evening, the 26th of December after a rather bleak holiday. Sounds very pity-partyish, I know. But, when one is depressed, most everything seems bleak. :( Well, praise the Lord, our sweet boy was born after an extremely fast labor and delivery! :) Everything was fine until I began having some intense pain in my lower right side. We assumed it was postpartum cramping, which is common and I had experienced it after previous deliveries. But this pain was different and seemed more localized. I ended up becoming feverish and nauseated. Well, we went to the doctor's office on the 28th and discovered that my white blood cell count was considerably elevated, which means one's body is fighting infection or illness.
Because of the location of my pain, elevated white blood cell count, my recent labor and delivery, and a peculiar "popping" sensation (sorry if this is TMI) in that area during delivery, there was reason enough for an "emergency" CT scan. All this time I had our sweet little 1 1/2 day old Andrew to care for. It was pretty stressful!
Well, we went immediately to the radiologist's office. I called my parents (praise the Lord for parents who will drop everything to help) and they arrived just before I was called back. My mom helped Aaron take care of Andrew. At this point I was feeling pretty awful. I will also mention that I was terrified! You see, I have never, ever been to the hospital for any health trouble. I have never had any tests run or anything even similar to what went on that evening. Some might say that I'm "as healthy as a horse." Though I don't know why that's significant because I've seen some very sick horses in my day. ;P
Once the scan was finished, we sat in the waiting area waiting for the results. I felt so sick that I just wanted to go home. After about thirty minutes (I think) they called me back and told me that there seemed to be some inflammation in my lower right abdomen. Oh, really?, I think to myself. :P Well, does anyone want to guess what the concern was at this point? You got it! It looked like my appendix may have ruptured during labor. The doctor had said that it has happened to others, so it might be what happened to me. I definitely recalled a popping sensation during delivery. Hmm . . . so, off we go to the emergency room.
First, we went to Kmart to buy bottles and formula for my sweet little baby boy. Oh, how hard it was to send him home without me! I knew that my parents would take good care of him, but if you've ever had a baby and had to be separated from him/her so soon after giving birth . . . well, it was tough, to say the least. My hormones were in disarray, I felt so sick, I might have to have and emergency appendectomy, my four other little ones (who were showing signs of a stomach bug) were at home without me to care for them, and I wasn't going to be able to take care of my new baby boy. There were lots of tears! :(
It was at this point that I was done with this life. I just wanted to rest. I wanted the Lord to take me from all this physical and emotional pain. I did not fear death. I welcomed it. This seems rather melodramatic now, but at the time, I was experiencing a very real anguish. I tried to pray, but didn't even feel like I cold hold my thoughts together well enough to tell the Lord what I needed. Of course, He knew everything, but there's a human need to express what one is thinking and I couldn't. When I tried to pray, it would come out with groans and tears. The only words I could seem to put together were, "Lord, please help!"
"Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God." Romans 8:26 & 27
I have felt some confusion as to what this passage is indicating. After reading this wonderful sermon by C.H.Spurgeon, I could not believe how his sermon put words to what I had been thinking and feeling! When one cannot pray, the burden cannot be lifted! Just crying out to our Father eases the pain and worry. He knows! He cares! He loves us beyond measure! That December I saw God as my loving Father for the first time. He was not just the righteous, holy God to whom I needed to be reconciled. He was my Father! The God of Heaven, my Father . . . I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! :)What incredible joy! I have never felt such a freedom from worry and burdens as I did during that time. We have NOTHING to fear! Our Father is Jehovah! Finally I could rest. I didn't need to leave this life. I needed to rest in God's grace and love.
So, after checking things out some more, the doctors came to the conclusion that my appendix had not ruptured and the pain and elevated white blood cell count were caused by two things: postpartum cramping and a nasty little stomach "bug" that was at that moment attacking my children at home.:(
Well, you can imagine my relief! :) Things began to improve and life became normal again for a time. But I had another lesson to learn . . .
